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bless my soul, what's wrong with me? [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | the life and times of mimi sipes ]
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[06 Nov 2008|11:15pm]
Hey guys I'm making this private. So uh..yeah. It's been real.
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[12 Oct 2008|03:01pm]
It's times like these when I want to do something desperate and symphonic.
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[12 Sep 2008|06:03pm]
10 Things I Positively Can Not Live Without (in no particular order):

1. my Michael Kors perfume
2. rice
3. iPhone
4. wine
5. something to look forward to
6. www.sidereel.com
7. my moleskin notebook
8. Friday morning Sunroom cafe
9. bobby pins
10. tri-plus fineliner pens

Things are going well. Today at Sunroom Nora, Lizzy and Logan helped me realize that I have a problem distinguishing between being happy in the present and "putting all my eggs in one basket." When something remotely exciting happens, I immediately put all of my heart into it unless sufficiently distracted, and because my expectations are impossibly high and no one can reach them. It's virtually impossible for me to be content for the moment because something went well, I'm always yearning for something more satisfying. I need to learn to appreciate. I'm working on it, I promise.

Also today I found out I have Paranoid Personality Disorder! Wonderful!

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

Oh shit.
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[31 Aug 2008|10:12pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Remember when I said I was un-comfort-able?


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redefined [14 Aug 2008|09:47pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I have tailored the word "uncomfortable" to fit my emotional baggage.

My annoyingly convenient Apple dictionary defines the word "uncomfortable" as "causing or feeling slight pain or physical discomfort."

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am uncomfortable on a whole other level. I am literally un-comfort-able. Cannot be comforted. I've let this idea roll around in my head for a while, collecting thought-debris and question-wreckage for months and months.

I am not one to discuss my problems - privately or publicly. If I do, it's usually to Roxanne or Natalie on a long drive in my car listening to Fiona Apple or something equally menacing. Sometimes I put them to sleep, fuel their cigarette intake, get a "shut up I don't want to hear it," or on a more frequent occasion they will open their mouths and the most fruitful advice will just fall effortlessly into my lap. The kind of advice that is humbling and simple, while still being profound and exact. It'll even happen with MiMi sometimes. My brain is often so tangled that I lose my original complaint and just need someone who is emotionally unattached from the situation to spit in my eye and organize my ramblings.

Acquaintances and close friends often criticize me for rarely sharing my problems and spending too much time talking about them. But, little do they know, I prefer it that way. To them, I'm the average college student with stress and romantic issues. To me, I'm un-comfort-able. So far gone and stubborn that anything they say will seem utterly uninspired.

I admit, I do occasionally take a leap of faith or suffer a momentary laps of judgment and accidentally spill an issue to an acquaintance, a new love interest, or...my parents. And every time I am disappointed. A long pause followed by a muffled "yeah, that sucks." An awkward eye shift accompanied by a subtle yet noted subject change. A simple shrug, as if to motion to me that I'm overreacting and need to just let it roll off my back. If only they knew that the problem I am so inclined to share has most likely stayed with me for a reason - maybe they should look deeper. BUT maybe I'm asking too much? Maybe my problems ARE petty and ridiculous on the surface and the depth of psychological fucked up-ness that my issues reach are just unattainable without a tank of oxygen and scuba diving certification. My personal favorite reaction consists of silence and nothing else. They are depending on the situation to get SO awkward that I will be forced to laugh it off and change the subject.

And I wonder why I'm non-confrontational?! If I can't even suck up the awkwardness of confessions to friends merely for pressure release, how am I expected to confront the person who's causing the pressure in the first place?

How did I let it get this bad?

Moving on...

I also realized that those who are morning risers are always happy. What kind of miserable person is willing to face a blinding light of a fresh day? It's the drunks, divorcees and depressives that own the darkest hours of the day. Rightfully so - it's easier to avoid your problems if you can't see them.

All my life I thought I was a quitter. Ballet, tap, piano, theater, medicine, camp, figure skating, etc. etc.

I have now welcomed my fate as a malcontent. It's not that I quit just to quit - I'm just hard to please and frankly, if I'm not pleased, I'll leave. Not confrontationally though. I would never tell administration or bosses or parents that I was unhappy - I would make up an excuse. My mother taught me to make excuses from a young age. I'm a born con-artist.

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we're still young, we're still young. [29 Apr 2008|08:32pm]
I haven't gotten a dramatic haircut in a long time. It's weird. I used to always claim that I didn't know what I look like - and I don't. I mean, photos always surprise me and my reflection constantly catches me off guard. My psyche is completely disconnected from my physical self.

But now that I cut my hair it's REALLY becoming a problem. I've never felt so isolated from myself. I need some new clothes and perhaps an attitude tune-up.

I've been completely consumed by my reading lately. This week I finished the V for Vendetta comic book (which I loved) and read all of Bright Lights, Big City. Which was...fine. It's written well and appropriately engaging. It's a good two-day read. But did it really make me think? Not really, no.

Reading classical literature has made me HATE contemporary writing. It seems so...pointless. Because it doesn't go anywhere. Because it doesn't lead me anywhere. But I still write down some quotes in my moleskin notebook because they are worth remembering and maybe even copying someday.

I'm going to write a novel someday. Or maybe just a short story. I think it's going to include references to my favorite books, dialogues from my everyday life that somehow reflect bigger philosophical issues, everyday concerns fortified by witty banter, and characters that lead double lives. Like Nora, who has to choose between watching a movie with Alex and Allison or getting wasted with Megan and me. Or this chick who I met at the beginning of the year who is best friends with Susie Wholesome and who I recently discovered loves to give head and have the recipient cum on her stomach. Secret relationships, multiple personalities, concealed desires, lives lived internally and never reified - it all is a big reminder that I will never truly know someone like I wish I could. And who could know me? I lead a double life. One in Michigan, one in Wisconsin. One in the night time, one in the day time. The voice that I use when I speak to my employer vs. the drone of a drunken voicemail left on Natalie's phone in the wee hours of a Saturday morning.

I learned about bioterrorism the other day in my environmental class. It didn't really scare me! Everyone was freaking out because they posed the possibility of countries using infectious agents to cause a pandemic and wipe out our entire population. I see it as another way for the media to scare the shit out of us. I hate that people are so afraid of everything.

Yeah, shit. Today I had my last floor meeting to talk about moving out. I hated being in that room, I could feel my hatred for everyone pulsing through my body.

Jake's right, I do hate everyone.
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[22 Apr 2008|09:36pm]
I would be completely content being alone forever, but I could do without the pity that accompanies said loneliness.
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[20 Apr 2008|07:17pm]
I'm pushing everyone away.

Like, duh.
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[18 Apr 2008|01:15am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Turns out I didn't bomb that exam.
Today I had a long conversation via iChat with my sister and mother. Talking to MiMi is so fun because her vocabulary is so interesting.

"Hey JieJie, grandma and I made you cookies and we're going to send you them in a box. I haven't sent them yet. I put chocolate chips in them but I couldn't carry them because they were too heavy. They are delicious!"

She's a little person.

I think I have a case of the mean reds. Holly GoLightly defines that feeling as "being afraid and not knowing what you're afraid of." Sometimes I feel like I care too much about things. Everything. And their meaning. I wish I only had surface worries. I don't even care about boys anymore. Well, most boys.

Dostoevsky says that love is seeing someone as God intended him. I think love is putting your faith into someone, or...seeing them as the male protagonist in every book you read. Or, deciding that you would rather kiss them than anyone! Even Justin Timberlake! It's a strange realization that makes you feel a little more human, a part of humanity. Kind of like being skinny, or being noticed.

I feel kind of empty sometimes. Idea-wise. I always feel like I'm recycling old phrases that I've heard or lyrics that I liked. I have real ideas in my head, I just don't feel equal to writing them down. See, even that was a recycling of someone else's words. "Raskolnikov did not feel equal to seeing Sonia."

Fucking poser.

My mom equated my feelings with that part in Annie Hall where young Alvy is so concerned with the fact that the universe is expanding that he decides not to do his homework. His mother scolds him telling him that "Brooklyn isn't expanding! And what's it to you anyways?"

What's it to me anyways what anything means or who anyone cares about?! Live your own life.

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i want to be a good woman and i want you to be a good man. and this is why i'll be leaving... [10 Apr 2008|10:16pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I dropped my poor computer yesterday and she is so angry with me because of it. Every time I turn her on she breathes so heavily and is sneezing constantly. I can't take her to the doctor until I finish these papers this weekend! Ugh.

I also bombed an exam today.

I always call my mom after I bomb an exam cause she makes me feel better and reminds me that I'm too hard on myself. In fact, I'm sure I didn't bomb the exam at all. A C at worst. Absolute worst. One of the hardest things about college is realizing that Bs are acceptable - Bs are beyond acceptable, they are GOOD. As are impressive.

She (my mom) always criticizes my overly forward thinking. I always freak out about little things, convincing myself that they will snowball and affect my career and future. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing considering the losers who don't give enough credit to their actions, but there must be a happy medium. I'll find it one day.

She told me I "internalize" everything. She's right, it's hard on my stomach. And my sleep.

Today it rained and it rained and it rained.
And I think I feel an existential crisis coming on but I'm not sure how I'll explain it to everyone. I hope they don't take it personally.

I am reading up about eating disorders and sports nutrition for my nutritional science class and I realized that my obsessive and addictive personality is the perfect dwelling for an eating disorder. Note to self.

New list!

Baby Names

I love all of those names but I can't shake the feeling that I'll name my children after fictional characters. My Scary Monsters professor lectured Wednesday about the paradox of the author and his characters. We're reading Labyrinths and the fake world it describes prohibits mirrors and fathers because they multiply humanity. He made the point that authors are guilty of that as well - populating the world with fictional characters who are often more recognized or well-known than the author himself. Don Quixote for example, I feel badly for the poor fucker who wrote that book because most Americans don't know his name BUT they have heard of his character...who doesn't exist.

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"be the sun and all will see you" [08 Apr 2008|05:18pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I have a new thing about frosted mini wheats. oops.

Yesterday the most rewarding thing happened to me. I went to the Nat to go run and was planning on doing my usual mile and then run-walking a second mile. BUT NO

I started running and it was as if my body said "Alright Paulina, I'm down. Let's do this." and I just ran two miles straight through no problem barely breaking a sweat. I still had enough energy to do 30 minutes on the elliptical afterwards, too. WHAT?! It was nuts. So I did it again today.

Things have been going really well. I feel anxious about my schoolwork even though I shouldn't. I have two papers and a midterm next week but that's okay because I have the weekend to do it. I have a midterm this Thursday so I'm just going to focus on that and maybe start studying for my midterm next week and outlining the papers. I have been very productive as of late so there's no need to stress myself out over it.

I finished Crime and Punishment the other day and it was fabulous. I highly recommend it to anyone who's reading this right now. Seriously. It's phenomenal. I think it was a great book to read in my first semester of college as a lit major because I was able to analyze the craft of Dostoyevsky's writing and all the symbolism and shit.

I've recently realized that I need to start making lists of things. Actually, I realized that EVERYONE should keep lists of things. You should constantly keep lists of movies that you want to see, books that you want to read, and concerts that you should keep an eye out for. Otherwise, you'll forget and never get around to it! I think it's a guaranteed way to enrich your life.

Here's a preview of the lists I've been keeping on my Blackberry:

The Brothers Karamazov
Miss Lonelyhearts
Anna Karenina

Bands to See:
Flaming Lips
Sigur Ros
Mark Ronson

Themed parties for next year
Indians and Indians
Control Z party (everyone goes home happy/undo)
No pants

See? Enthralling.

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An (edited and embellished) e-mail between friends [30 Mar 2008|11:13pm]
Hi boobie!

I'm e-maililng you because I know how busy you are and figured this would be the best way to get ahold of you. Hopefully a friendly message will break up the monotony of e-mails from professors and other pressures.

How have you been? Things have been well over here. This past week wasn't very difficult so I've been keeping busy by reading Crime and Punishment. It's wonderful, I'm really enjoying it. It's finally spring here! I'm so happy to have gotten through my first Wisconsin winter. It was horrible now that I'm looking back on it. But, time for springtime fashions!

Jake's friend from home - Hannah Getz - came to visit this weekend and we showed her a good time. She's very beautiful and she seemed to like us and Madison. When we all had dinner together it was mostly a Jake-bashing fest where we talked about all the things about him that drive us crazy. But we all agreed that for SOME UNKNOWN REASON we just get over it and love him and squeeze him to our bosoms anyways. Thursday we went to this Emmie Music Magazine party at this bar and that was really fun. I wore my fringey jacket and drank Gin and Tonics and danceddd. I almost made out with a ginger but Jake intervened (thank god)!

Friday I stayed in and watched South Park (the ginger episode, surprisingly enough). That was a nice little time. Last night we went to an 80's party and that was fun, too. Free pot cookies are always cool with me. Especially in a hot pink blazer.

Right now I'm putting together a resume because I'm applying for a job as an editor of Illumination - the undergraduate journal of humanities here. It's basically just like the Zine from Writing Center. I really hope I get the position for next year, I think it would be great for applications for internships at publishing companies and shit.

I'm getting really excited for the summer! Since I got that job at Camp Michigania I've been shopping for summery dresses and skirts and such. When Lindsay Acker found out I was working there she freaked out and told me how wonderful it was an how jealous she was because all the counselors are so hot - so that's nice! Erica Wedes is working there too apparently so it'll be nice to have a friend there. Especially because I'm sure it's cliquey with all of the returning staff and U-M students. I'm looking forward do it though. When do you go to Interlochen? When are you out of school? Gimme the deetz.

Let me know about your life - Owen, class, summer plans, blah blah. I wanna know it all! I heard Salam isn't feeling well :( Send her my best.

Love you! Looking forward to hearing from you,
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[21 Mar 2008|12:28am]
These lil teeth of mine sure are pissed.

I'm hungry.
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i wish that you were here, we would have had a lot to talk about. [13 Mar 2008|11:22am]
Yesterday I spent way too much money on school supplies. These pens are really phenomenal though. I mean, come on. It seems like nothing has changed since middle school (especially pertaining to my love of school supplies).

I feel so badly for boys who try to be sly but really just end up being creepy. Poor guys.

Yesterday I saw a fucking HAWK outside of the Union. It had a dead squirrel. What the fuck. That has to be an omen for something. Eesh.

I'm going home tomorrow! Cool.

If I could have a second skin, I'd probably dress up in you.Collapse )
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[10 Mar 2008|08:22pm]
Jake: I did a huge project on the holocaust once.
Paulina: Oh yeah? What did you learn?
Jake: Soooo much. Mostly about how to cite sources.

Jake: He's like a hollow chocolate bunny.

Sarah: I had a stigmata once.
Dane: You're jewish.
Sarah: That's why it was so scary, DANE.

I'm going to start writing down things people say more often. I know that I'll look back on this shit and smile.

I'm excited to see Ali soon. I feel like I haven't seen her in a great while.
I hope that I always remember the good times that I've had in Bradley even though I often denounce where I live and think everyone I live with is degenerate.

Nora, Megan and I have gotten pretty close and it feels good to have some sort of companionship in my living space. It was depressing to be living around 200 people and hate...everyone. Even though I hate most of the people in the world so, you know, it makes sense.

I'll always remember how Megan Kramers my door all the time and just stops by after going to the bathroom and lays on my futon and tells me how wasted she got the night before. And how she came home with only one leg of her tights on and an ATM receipt but no money. Her drunken life is so much more interesting than any other shit I could be studying or doing so I love hearing about it.

We also eat dinner together all the time which is great even though she says I eat like a bird. And maybe I do but..whatever.

I love frozen yogurt.

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she wants to live in a place that has a number and name [05 Mar 2008|11:08pm]
Well hi!

I'm sticking to my guns with this whole "updating my life" thing.

Let's see how many dumb phrases like "sticking to my guns" (1) I can use in this fucking thing.

I've been looking a lot like this lately:

Well, when I'm in front of my computer atleast. I should have included a bowl of honey nut cheerios in that photo I suppose.

I've had a really nuts week, actually. I think a combination of my birth control and my work out regime has made me go off my rocker (2). The few nights ago I had this weird dream that had something to do with Japan that really fucked up my sleep. I remember not sleeping at all but I think I did. I don't know, it was crazy and I don't remember what made it so disturbing but I woke up with the WORST headache. And I've never really had a headache before (I know, WHAT?! - but it's true, deal with it), so that made it even crazier. I think I was gnashing my teeth together in my sleep and that's what did me in. Anyways so I woke up with a horrible headache and in a cold sweat and feeling so nauseous - completely out of the blue (3).

I got myself out of my loft, tried to calm down but couldn't. Slept for 3 hours all curled up on my futon, forced myself to drink some gatorade because I figured I was dehydrated and missed my really important Hunky Professor lecture which was a bummer. I finally hunkered down (4) and got up to go to my discussion and take a quiz which I really wasn't looking forward to but it ended up not counting so whatever. Did I mention that I fucking hate Gatorade?

Blech, I don't feel like talking about that day anymore. The bottom line is that I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I think I need to step outside the box (5) and push the envelope (6) and get my life back on track. WHICH is why I'm not getting drunk this weekend, I repeat: I am not getting drunk this weekend. There are parties and shit but I just can't. I have two midterms and a paper due next week so I need to make up for my lack of work this week and step up to bat (7) and just fucking do this shit when I could be out having a grand 'ol time. I figured it would also be a nice body cleanse - maybe my tolerance will go down! I think pre-gaming with 11 shots is a little excessive.

I'm going home in 8 days! That feels great because it really snuck up on me. It'll be nice to go home and relax and have my mom take care of me for a while. I want her to make me tuna and rice and just hang out with MiMi and all my other babies. I'll probably go up to MSU for Nicole's birthday and THAT will be when I make up for my lack of inebriation this weekend. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled on March 17th (Gabe's birthday/St. Patrick's day) and well, that's going to suck. But I'm going to read atleast half of Crime and Punishment and just chill. It'll feel good after this hell week coming up. Phew.

7. Not too shabby (8?).

Hope all is well with you guys.


Edit: Cari has brought it to my attention that "grand ol time" counts. So, approximately 9 shitty phrases used in this one livejournal post. What an accomplishment.
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The type of memories that turn your bones to glass. [26 Feb 2008|08:12pm]
After Jake and I stayed up until 2 am exchanging old LJ/DJ posts - I realized that I need to document my life more (aka, use this shit). It was nice to look back on OLD FUCK entries and realize that, although I've matured a lot, I'm still the same Paulina I always was. I'm still dealing with the same exact problems, sometimes even with the same exact people. It made me realize that someday I'm going to look back on this and it's going to give me some sort of magnified look into my youth, and maybe that will help me figure out why I'm so fucked up in the present.

Anyways, I'm really thankful for the people who still read this shit. I mean, I've had this for atleast 4 years, my deadjournal for more like 6, and there have always been those people who stuck by and read my ramblings. Maybe you have even MORE insight into my character than I do! What power!

I'm slacking off a bit in my classes. I was freaking out about it yesterday but then I realized that that ALWAYS happens at the beginning of a semester because you have to adjust to your TA's expectations of you. I give myself permission to get B's until I get the hang of things. Everything's going to work out - I swear.

I always talk about SCHOOL in this shit. Bo-ring. Sorry, I just figure you guys don't want to hear about my...feelings and shit. And I'm not even so sure if I'm comfortable talking about my feelings and I KNOW ya'll don't want me to get all cryptic on your asses. And futhermore...what feelings?

Natty and Erin visited this past weekend and we had the greatest weekend that has ever been had. They met Jake, Logan, Lizzy, Nora, Megan, Morgan, Emma, Laura, Jordan, etc. etc. and they said it was like meeting celebrities because they had only seen them in pictures and in videos. It was so great having them here. They made my dorm room more roomy. We walked out on the lake, and saw Girl Talk (I put my hands in his boxers and hugged him), went to some cool indie hipster party with a great DJ. All in all it was a great, great introduction to what Madison has to offer.

Spring break is March 14th and I guess I'm looking forward to it. It's 2 1/2 weeks away but it seems like much longer than that. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled so that blows. I'm promising myself that I won't stray from this "diet" that I'm on here. It's not really a diet, I'm just really enjoying everything that I'm eating and I feel so much better about everything because of it. On Sunday, my dad visited and took me to Trader Joe's and it was like heaven! I ran around, pulling things down from shelves like Veruca Salt. Now my pantry's all full with granola, dried fruit, almonds, walnuts, popcorn, cashews, pita chips, hummus and cat's cookies. Can't forget the cat's cookies.

I overheard some bitchy girl in one of my discussions talking shit about me today. I...forgot that that happens sometimes. It didn't bother me as much as it should have. I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore, and you know what, it feels great.

I think I'm working at Camp Michigania this summer - which I'm actually really looking forward to. It'll be nice to be out in the sun, working with kids, meeting other counselors. I'm excited that I won't have the chance to sit on my ass at home for 3 months. It would be so hard to come back to school after that.

I can't wait to live with Jake, Logan and Morgan. I always forget that it's actually happening and that..I need to get ready for it. If I'm worried about my grades now -- OY! Just imagine.

Alright I should go read some Hobbes. I hope all is well with you guys.

Love, Paulina.
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[27 Dec 2007|10:56am]
move on, move on, move on.
smoke your smoke and move on.
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[02 Dec 2007|09:40pm]
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
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make it hot [03 Sep 2007|02:59pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I feel like Carrie Bradshaw in Paris.

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